Books

 

 Being Married to Someone with Cluster B disorder (Narcissist personality with sociopathic tendencies)

I have written this page again and again, added, modified, put out tons of data, incidents, evidence, behavior pattern, consistent patterns that hurt me, pained me so much over the years. At one point of time this page had multifold more data than what you are seeing now as I dived into details of some of the most hurtful behavior patterns and specific incidents over the years and red flags to really watch out for when seeing someone. I had a collage of all the emails that I sent to him over the years all saying the same thing especially asking to be treated me with little respect, combined clippings of various recording that I have of all the abuse sessions (they lasted realllly long) over the years. 

But then one day like in an epiphany of clarity, it downed on me, that all those behavior was hurtful,  excruciatingly painful and sometimes dangerous but not necessarily deal breaker for me. By heart and by mannerism I am a peace-keeper, I will keep my mouth shut if that can bring some calmness around me and can even be qualified to be push-over. I will keep my head down, mouth zipped up if that helps keep some balance, But few things that just kept happening over and over again was SHAMING. Shaming in any way that can be, calling names, especially humiliating in front of people, degrading me in front of my kids and try to turn them against me. Shaming me for who I am and lots of name calling and shaming me for who I am not. 

I came to know early on I can't ever be vulnerable because that would be used against me. . Your weakness, your inadequacies and your fears would be turned against you. You would be shamed, the goal is to hurt you. Hurt you deep, hurt you where it hurts the most. Even when you wait for the real right safe moment and try to express how you feel, and how much hurt this has caused, unlike a normal person who would at least try to empathize, some people are not capable of empathizing. I have never ever seem him ever owning up to his behavior, feeling remorse/ sadness, regret or sorry. 

People have two reasons to live in a marriage 1. It feels good 2. It's the right thing to do. I did live in the marriage for very long without love and affection and also respect as I always felt it was right thing to do. I would have probably lived in a lonely marriage more if my kids weren't getting effected. I would have tolerated the Shaming and abuse had my kids been protected from being exposed to this. I didn't ask much , All I ever asked was to be treated with little respect. I would have been willing to walk on egg shells all the time if it brought meant some balance and predictability and peacefulness in my kids lives. 

The only way I learned to cope through this was to numb these emotions, the emotions that arise from these abuse sessions, they emotions that hurt you deep, the emotions that give you sleepless nights and a racing heart but the problem is you can't just selectively numb these painless emotions, when you numb these the other good emotions too gets numb, you numb joy, you numb happiness, you numb gratitude, you numb connection. And then you just become miserable living like a headless chicken.

At the time of writing this blog, I had already been living away from him for over a year,  for over last 2 months I have been living all alone by myself in a rented airBnb. I have had Zero friends locally that I can talk to, i have essentially distant myself from my dear friends, I have been working from home so there is no social interaction too, and really there is no going out as well due to corona. But with all this I feel more lively than ever, I feel joy and hope in heart, I have more grip on my life and feel my emotions so much clearly and I feel much more authentic to myself.